Denim lifestyle products

How to violate the Levi's® terms of use

I got an email from Levi’s® informing me that they’ve updated their terms and conditions.

I’ve never purchased a pair of Levi’s jeans, so I’m not sure how they got my email. More importantly, I’m not sure I understand why a Pants Company has a set of terms of use. I assume it has something to do with their website, but my mind picked up the much more compelling idea that there are new limitations and guidelines for how I should be using this (nonexistent) pair of pants.

In no particular order, here are some things the Levi’s® company might consider for their new terms and conditions:

• Transporting illicit materials (drugs, evidence in a crime) in pants pockets (this risks both the jeans and the Levi’s® corporation at large becoming accessory to a crime, which goes against Levi’s® image)
• Washing jeans more often than is necessary
• Washing jeans less often than the user guidelines state
• Claiming to be a representative of the Levi’s® company, and that your stated politics represent the interests of the Levis company (this one is, probably, actually illegal)
• Wearing jeans designed to the specification of a gender you do not identify as on your Levis.com user profile
• Allowing jeans to be worn by individuals other than the purchaser of said jeans: your purchase is a license to wear the pants, and others must pay for their own license (through the purchase of jeans)
• Sagging jeans without appropriate Levi’s®-branded—or Levi’s®-approved—trunks or briefs underneath
• Wearing jeans for workplace use: Levi’s® are not “workwear”, they are denim lifestyle products
• Selling Levi’s® in any place other than the Levi’s® proprietary resale portal
• Sharing with others your exclusive Levis.com promo codes or posting about Levis-members-only sales events, such as “50% off Jeantober” and “Jeanuary”

I imagine getting a letter in the mail, warning me that my Levi’s® privileges may be revoked after I’ve engage in one of the above. I imagine Levi’s® lawyers in sport coats and blue jeans asking me if I had prior knowledge of the above before I lent my jeans to a friend or patched them with suede.

You say this is all absurd, that any successful company, regardless of market or industry, must hit a point where it necessarily employs a legal department. Sure, yes, of course. I’m nodding calmly along to your story of our world—but I do have to ask if you’re wearing a Zara-approved belt with those slacks.